I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
