I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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