if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it hurts more in the daytime
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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