I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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