White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
