did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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