No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
