So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
