I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
