So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
