I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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