mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
