You're a womanizer and a bitch.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
