The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
