4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dicks are not precious.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
