You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
