can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
