what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
