party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
