I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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