I feel like abortions should bother me more
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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