dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
