I think I died a long time ago.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
