i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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