I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm passing your future prison.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
