I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
