...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
