I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
