That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
