You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
