My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
