found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
