i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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