why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
