Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
