a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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