just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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