my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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