I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
