I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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