Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
