She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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