I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
