so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
