Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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