Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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