Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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