I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
