i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
