dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
