Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
