I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
